Everyday I wake up. I eat breakfast. I’m back in college. That’s great right? I’m making something of myself, right? Of course I am, and I know that. I like school a lot better than I liked my job at Macy’s.
As I wait for class to start at college I see them. I see them smiling at each other. Holding hands sometimes, looking into each others’ eyes, a kiss maybe here or there. I see what I dont have. Something I may never get. Of course I never cry on the outside in public, but on the inside, you cant tell just by looking at me. And if you ask me I will make something up. I will never tell you. But I want to. I want you to know how much I’m hurting because I want you to tell me that everything is going to be okay, that I am going to be okay. But it will never come.
After sitting through a class or two for the day and maybe having a little casual conversation here and there I go home. When I get home I realize how alone I am. Not just because my family is not here but because I dont have that someone to come home to. Someone to lay with and ask me how my day was and me ask him how his was. No one to hold me and let me know that they love me and that everything will be okay when I start crying again.
So I play sad songs. Songs that will make me cry so I dont have to hold it in anymore. Songs that let me release myself from the day. It’s either that or go to sleep. You ever wonder why I sleep so much? It’s not because I’m tired, it’s because I want to get away. While I’m sleeping I have no worry in the world. Nothing to worry about because my mind is somewhere else. Somewhere where all of my dreams are alive, until I wake back into reality.
The Ryan you’ve seen for a long while, just isnt me. Do you notice how half the time it looks like I’m holding back from just letting everything out. It looks like I want to say something, shout something! But I dont, and when you ask me, I deny it and say that I’m just spacing off.
You dont know me. Even if you think you know everything about me because you’re the closest person to me, you dont know me. I havent told you everything. I’m hurting inside and as much as you try to convince me that I shoud think about things a different way or how I should cheer up it doesnt work like that. So I want you to stop saying that. I dont want you to worry or feel sorry for me. Nor do I want you to command me.
I only want you to listen.
Do you want to know me?
Then dont ask me. Wait until I’m ready to tell you.
And after reading this message you want to call, talk, or text me or whatever, please dont. When I’m ready to fill you in on everything, I will. But by interrogating me, you will end up knowing nothing about me.
This message isnt directed at anyone in particular, it’s directed at anyone who knows me, or thinks they do.
I’ll talk to you soon.